Vaginismus is an involuntary tensing of the Vagina.
This is going to be gold, you can tell already can't you?
Get your popcorn and take a seat.
Picture my vagina as the plant from the little shop of horrors, or one of those medieval traps you step on and the clamps onto your leg. A shark's mouth or even the mouth of a T-Rex. Have you got a clear and slightly comical cartoon in your head? Good!
Where the hell was a pelvic floor therapist when my vagina was denying entry to anyone or anything that dared to linger at the gates of my pussy temple.
Post birth of my 1st child via caesarean, apparently you can get right on the horse. Well not according to my shy and unwilling vagina. Enter sex anxiety, as I formally called it. This grew under pressure, pressure from my then-husband. This is a vicious circle. I'd not want to do it because it was painful, when we would do it, it would bleed and then I would do anything to avoid a bedroom rendezvous in order to not be pressured or bullied into sex, because it was painful and around this would go.
After many arguments, tantrums, and tears, I trotted off to the GP. Who prescribed me anti-depressants! My vagina is not depressed!
I went to the women's clinic run by the Flying Doctors and was told that there are many other methods to sex, had I thought of trying anal!
Not once did I tell my friends or network, how embarrassing and shameful is it to not only not want to have sex but find it terribly painful and build huge sex anxiety.
My husband took matters into his own hands and went and bought a range of products from a sex shop. Creams, sprays, lotions and potions. I'm horrified! In my mind, these are unregulated, not backed by medical or clinical trials. He is enormously offended and points out that he has tried, and I just keep putting my head in the sand! And so, the anxiety grows.
He has suggested that I go see I psychiatrist and get medicated for the anxiety, which doesn't treat the 'bleeding like a stuck pig' comment my husband made mid-argument.
Fast forward some years. I'm in a relationship with a woman. Now I'd love to say that every woman with vaginismus just needs to cross over to the gay pride side and poof, your vagina opens like a sunflower and follows the golden light of lesbian sex across the sky from dawn til dusk. But that's just not true.
Let's have a female anatomy lesson:
Enter the female arousal response
The vagina opens
the lengthening and widening of the vulva and omg don't forget
the body's natural lubrication
but instead, we have a painful vaginal experience, then comes a fear of pain, the anticipation of pain, the pelvic floor muscles contract, which causes pain and holy shit I'm clamped so tight that if my vagina had lungs, it would pass out and suffocate in order to avoid entry.
So, what's the answer, the solution?
I don't actually know, but what I did learn was that the problem was not in my head as pointed out according to my husband. Yes, my head was responsible for the anxiety, overthinking, etc. However, the problem for me was the environment.
his expectations of the clean house and cooked dinner
the thankless domestic cage
the lack of connection
the vanilla bedroom lifestyle
my lack of self-worth
my poor view of myself
This is all my experience, and I can not speak for others, but what I can say is that Vaginismus is real and a real problem in society, it's shamed as being A-sexual or a prude.
And I am definitely not a prude!