Are We Having Enough Sex?
How much sex is normal in a relationship?
Your Questions …
How important is sex in a relationship?
Is it normal to not have any sex in a relationship?
How long is too long without sex?
How do I talk to my partner about sex in our relationship?
This is something we get questions about A LOT.
Are we having enough sex?
As you and your partner(s) grow within and outside of your relationship together, things change. Sometimes it’s having kids, stress at work, having low self-esteem or just not feeling a real, authentic desire for intercourse that turns us off and shuts us down. The list of possibilities is endless.
The fact of the matter is, sex is usually the first thing out the window when the going gets tough.
This is normal!
Let’s talk about it.
As many of you may have noticed, sex with your partner(s) helps to build both intimacy and affection. Things that many people crave on a regular basis. These actions and caresses can release a variety of feel-good chemicals in our brains helping us to feel happy, loved and cared for.
A study in the US in 2016 linked sexual frequency with greater general happiness (Debrot, Meuwly, Muise, Impett & Schoebi, 2016) They used a variety of research methods, studies and groups to come to several conclusions:
- “Sexual activity was associated not only with general life satisfaction (Study 1) but also with positive affect, both generally (Study 2) and in daily life…”
- “…sex seems not only beneficial because of its physiological or hedonic effects (..) but because it promotes a stronger and more positive connection with the partner.”
- “A stronger daily association between sexual activity and positive affect was associated with higher relationship satisfaction over time.”
As you can see there are many benefits not only for you as an individual but also for your relationship as a whole.
While there may be positives, that doesn’t mean that you have to start doing it every single day.
First of all, folks, you define your own normal. It is between you and your partner(s) how much sex, what kind of sex and whether or not you even want to have sex.
When we say sex, we mean any kind of sex.
If heavy petting gives you the satisfaction you need, guess what? It counts as sex to us.
Super into blow jobs?
Yup, it’s still sex.
Some people do it daily, some a few times a week, and others only a few times a year.
What makes it normal is whether you and your partner(s) are satisfied with your sex life.
***Pro-tip*** Speaking as a sex coach, we find that sex that occurs less than six times a year it can be problematic within a relationship or it can show that there are greater issues in the relationship.
First of all, it isn’t one person’s fault over another’s. It is both (all) of you against the problem. You’re a team and you should talk and work together to figure out how to figure out what is your sexual normal.
If your partner(s) isn’t willing to talk about it, you’re still not alone. If you feel like you need help, reach out to our Sexperts and we can help get you in touch with a Sex Coach.
Common reasons why sex disappears
There are countless reasons why sex goes out the window in otherwise healthy and loving relationships. Let’s cover some of the most common reasons:
- You and your partner(s) aren’t communicating openly and honestly
- Body image issues
- Complications with health or medications
- Stress in the home or at work
- Changes in circumstance (i.e. moving, roommates, uncomfortable bed, etc.)
- Recovering from an affair
- Performance anxiety
- Lack of sexual skills
- Uneven desire
There are SO many more reasons why.
Understanding the "why" is important, but also figuring out what to do next is also important.
If you and/or your partner want help improving your sex life, start your foreplay with a conversation. If you aren’t comfortable talking about it, write it down and then discuss it together.
If you’re still not comfortable with that, contact one of our Sexperts to get in touch with a sex coach, or contact the author by following the email link below.
What about you?
Are you in a relationship where there is infrequent sex?
How do you and your partner(s) define sex?
Do you think that your relationship(s) could benefit from more sex?
Share your ideas in the sextion below!
If you enjoyed this article, feel free to share it on social media! Just give us some love by tagging us @myamora.official
Get out there, get in there and get off there!
Elaine S. Turner
Sex Coach, Clinical Sexologist & Sexuality Educator
Debrot, A., Meuwly, N., Muise, A., Impett, E. A., & Schoebi, D. (2016, February 21). More Than Just Sex: Affection Mediates the Association Between Sexual Activity and Well-Being [Scholarly project]. In Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. Retrieved September 13, 2020, from http://people.unil.ch/anikdebrot/files/2017/09/PSPB684124.pdf DOI: 10.1177/0146167216684124 Publisher, Sage Pub
Intimacy in relationships. (n.d.). Retrieved September 13, 2020, from https://www.relationships.org.au/relationship-advice/relationship-advice-sheets/enriching-your-relationship-1/intimacy-in-relationships
Whitbourne, S. K., Ph.D. (2017, July 04). The Secret Reason Why Sex Is So Crucial in Relationships. Retrieved September 13, 2020, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201707/the-secret-reason-why-sex-is-so-crucial-in-relationships